To Liquidize Ideal
by FallUnworthy
Summary: Existence, definite capacity of every person reflects in that one source, outside this cage, beyond those 1000 iron bars that hold us in place. yaoi KaiTala and violence


Ehh...it's been a year since I've written anything... it's probably one of those things i should be worried about, but somehow, I am only annoyed.  
Anyways, i'll just get on with my bullshit...

_Disclaimer:_ I own none.  
_Warnings:_ many… I could say the usual… depression, violence, cursing and a lot of other delightful things

This is mainly _Tala_…

**And I am definitely dedicating it to lovely Ellen(Agent Tuesday)**

_Italics: Tala's thoughts/POV_

_**-To Liquidize Ideal-**_

Chapter 1: Coma White

_Was it the sound of damp skin colliding or his ragged, heavy breathing?_

_I can't remember. _

_Do I want to?_

_Probably not. _

_Why am I trying then?_

_I… can't answer to that either._

_Am I dead yet?_

_Most likely, just an illusion…_

_Torn autumn sky above me is breaking… again? It's been long since I last blinked, but I don't dare to close my eyes; there is this heavy feeling inside my head, it could be coma, but then again, I must be really just…tired. I can't move my eyes away from deep void above as it constantly seems to shift and change to its own liking, passing me by. Us all, trapped and isolated underneath our own reeking skin._

_I pity human beings._

_Should I hate them? _

_I probably should._

_Why don't I?_

_Strangely, I've never said that._

_Or have I?_

_Noise… it's picking up. Not the usual dull sound that is overflowing this restless place; there is something even more selfish about it, but I can't decide what that could be. I can't really define the source as it seems to be everywhere around me, or simply just in my head. Like a constant echo, its terrifyingly high frequency makes it impossible to ignore; poured from the sound inside my head, numbness spreads throughout my entire body within moments. Whenever I attempt to move, high pitched sound inside my head starts to rustle and whisper to me; when I finally give up, it slowly, ever so brutally returns with all its power within seconds._  
_Noise… it's still picking up. It's gotten to the point where I can barely keep my eyes open, which I find ridiculously pointless; I should just close them since they seem to see nothing but white spots all over, shifting and growing in numbers, until they completely fill the autumn void above. I tried…_

_They won't close._

_All I can see now is this white noise._

_I probably want to hear somebody yell through this blank throb inside me, to be noticed at a time like this; isn't that something every person's worth? To be unworthy of help when you are left as I am now, what could possibly be worse than going on, knowing you don't deserve your own life? _

_Imagine, understand, and refine this crude, human ignorance? _

_I cannot, not now, not the way I lay here. Exposed to this world inside out, I drift off to somewhere I have never been before, my source of undeserved life slowly dying out._  
_Strangely, I have always imagined death as something painless, tasteless, soundless and most of all, wrapped up in complete dark. _

_There's itchy pain inside my limbs and it caws mercilessly, like a repeated error of something infinite._

_And that taste, it must be my own. Such delicate mix of fluids, metal clad. Blood…_

_Sound…still here, driving me insane, sweetly robbing me of all my competence. _

_Has it always been so white or has it changed for me only?_

_It's either that, or the fact I am yet to die. _

_I will know, as soon as breathing becomes a problem and my lungs start to sink lower into my body, resting against my stiff spine._  
_Somehow, I cannot help but feel responsible for this, like I want myself to die; I must look guilty as well, spread out and naked like that. There is a hint of shame as well, but only as much as I try to give a fuck about; I feel like staying this way at the moment, guilt and shame, all insignificant now. When I finally die, it won't matter to those who will desecrate my discarded body. I will proudly carry yet another number for a name on my toe._

_Will I care?_

_Impossible, at least, I hope. _

_Should I care now, while I still can?_

_I am not bothered at all. _

_Worried, at least._

_But such half-assed feelings really make no sense at all, I should just force myself to relax; I have been trying though, probably not hard enough. Instead, the only things I have accomplished by force are paranoid thoughts, picking me apart. I haven't attempted to move yet, I might as well succeed if I do; it's mainly because my numb body feels disconnected, dislocated, disheveled. _

_There is also this resistance; I will take my chances and wait, rather than move if I can at all. This way, I won't have to go on, living a completely undeserved life I should own, seeing I am denied the right to be in charge of my self-awareness, my presence and my source of life._

_Rather than be divided and claimed, I wish not to exist at all._

_Maybe it's good to be unknown. _

_To never… feel yourself or be aware at all. _

_I highly doubt you finally belong to yourself after death though. Maybe, just maybe, you become a countless part of a flawless mechanism, part of a source, so strong it can contain souls that have died and store more every second, absorb every breath lost._

_Existence, definite capacity of every person reflects in that one source, outside this cage, beyond those 1000 iron bars that hold us in place. _

_It's started? _

_Suddenly, it's impossible for me to take another breath; my chest is filled with warm liquid to the point I cannot inhale at all. _

_Pressure, on the verge of explosion. _

_It has started after all. _

_Dizziness brings absolute stillness to my body and suddenly, with delight, I notice this white coma around me decaying into dark, painless fog that covers my heavy eyes._  
_Without a hesitation, I close them and if I could, I would exhale in ecstasy that was brought to me by this sudden redemption. This must be…_

DEATH.

* * *

It's done!  
This is short, but trust me, following chapters will be LONG... that might scare you or make you happy(i hope).  
ch1 was some kind of a **prelude  
And one more thing... DEATH appears in more shapes and empty voids than one =)  
**Besides, chapter title says it all ;)

**REVIEW people! *kisses**kisses**kisses**kisses***


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